A Fish Of Earth

by Emily Brown

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1.
Amen Amen 02:54
Amen, amen, are you a friend or are you a lover? When we don’t talk to each other I get tired again You said I don’t feel like you have understood a thing I’ve said all day; I said I think I did but I just move too fast And I got into my car and sat there in the quiet True lovers, true lovers, true lovers, they don’t fight I thought when I found someone it would be easy like Sunday morning Now I know that nothing’s easy, nothing’s easy but Sunday morning I live in your house, I sleep in that bed And now that I’ve arrived here I want to stay there till I’m dead
2.
Baby Wanting 02:14
"What are you going to do with all that baby wanting?" you said. "Maybe you can get it out when you go and see the newborn twins." And now I’m sitting on the plane stewing in my baby wanting Thinking how it first came over me in 2011 Maren was born, much to the shock of my mother And I walked in by her crib where she slept breathing, silent, fast And now I feel this kinship with everyone who has a baby Total strangers, who probably call on God and the only thing they ask is to be free of girls like me and our baby wanting What am I going to do with all this baby wanting? Do I think I could go through childbirth? I can’t survive my monthly cramps And yes, I do cry consistently whenever I’m watching Call the Midwife And maybe I desperately want children, or maybe I’m very sentimental And I don’t mean to say that I think having children is easy, or not exhausting And that has been my experience, especially with other people’s kids And also with Maren, who, granted, means more to me than most people and most things Because Maren taught me about shock and wonder and how overwhelming love can be and how I can love a person more than anything in the world And that’s the feeling there that feeds my baby wanting
3.
My lover, yoked in furs, choked in feathers. I have learned, I’ve inferred: he’s not for you, he is for me I stand, hand outstretched, ropes of metal around my neck I’ve been led to expect he is for me We’re here with our dog He and the painter are talking shop Hope he catches the fall of the cloth, the shade of green My lover, here with me One hand blessing, one outreached I can see: he is for me, he is for me
4.
I get the feeling you don’t know I know it’s hard for you to see I’m going to say it clear and slow You oughta stick it out with me If we keep trying like we are If we keep loving like we do No reason we should be apart I don’t have plans for leaving you I know that leaving’s not a plan No lover ever plans to leave I hope that’s not the way I am But you know that just by knowing me So if you wake up in the night From dreams of dogs or women lost Hey I’ll be sleeping by your side Some girl who tries to treat you soft I know my sweet’s not always sweet I know my kind’s not always good If there's a place where we can meet I mean, I think we can, we should So if I haven’t made it clear I'm gonna try and make it true I gotta say it while you’re here I’m want to stick it out with you
5.
Marianne 00:59
Marianne and a man hand in hand with frangipane and amaranth, can you stand it? all the things that I demanded I was there, where you were threw my hair, not scared of her Should I have been? I had no reason To everything there is a season What you want, when you want it Sought it then, well now you’ve got it Seeking isn’t having, holding All that glitters isn’t golden Now I’m here, in your house Take a breath, don’t throw me out You’re sad I’m not a debutante, it isn’t everything you wanted
6.
Dread 02:23
One time when Maren was four we were watching this cheesy version of the Little Prince and in this version there’s a girl about her age, she is school-aged, she is maybe 5, and she has this really particular mother. The mom is a business woman. The mom has a lot of plans for her daughter. Her daughter has a rigorous schedule and never time for friends. And there is this part where the daughter, against her mother’s wishes, is going to hang out with this old man who lives next door who’s become her de facto friend, And Maren, afraid, looked in the yard at the girl playing with an old airplane and said “I’m feeling worried. I’m worried about the Sweetie. What will her mom say when she gets home? I’m scared."
7.
You think you can just take on the car Say my driving is bad I can’t get us to home And you’re outside the wheel with your head on the gear shift You think you can turn this whole ship around And like some whale that's beaching you’re kissing the ground And like any good sailor, you’re glad to be back on the land I haven’t been through any of that I haven’t been through any of that You think you’ll make your bed on the couch And like any good mother, my foot in my mouth While you get out the blankets the pillows the linen the sheets I haven’t been through any of that I haven’t been through any of that I get sad when I’m getting to bed Do I want what I’m picking, and where I’ve been led and I do think about it, I do think about what I want I haven’t been through any of that I haven’t been through any of that Now we’re coming home, think of walking away though i shouldn't, I do, in the heat of the day And I do think about it, I do wonder just what i want And sometimes I’m with you but mostly I’m not with a part of my mind on the seat of my god And you can sit in heaven and feel like you’re not understood I haven’t been through any of that I haven’t been through any of that
8.
Traipsing 04:30
I go traipsing in the mountains for a sliver of your love I go traipsing in the mountains for a sliver of your love I go traipsing in the mountains for a sliver of your love But it turns out out your love was in our living room it turns out out your love was in our living room I go traipsing in the mountains for a sliver of your love I go traipsing in the mountains for a sliver of your love But it turns out out your love was in our living room it turns out out your love was in our living room I want to be here with you I want to be here with you I want to be here with you I go sailing on the ocean for a seashell of your love I go sailing on the ocean for a seashell of your love I go sailing on the ocean for a seashell of your love But it turns out your love in the bathtub waiting when I come home Love is in the bathtub waiting for me when I come home
9.
I’m all ungrounded Turn me around and All of my little lonely habits turn into sins I wake up early You can’t deter me I can’t get out and I can’t stay in When I was lonely Single and homely No one to comment on how I behaved Honey, I love you Want to be near you It's by the contrast I know my name
10.
Game Show 04:18
If I have the questions and you have the answers And if this is a game show you’re gonna win But it isn’t a game show We’re just sitting on couches Saying things that need saying And I’m caving in And it’s not about Christmas It might be about family I don't know if they'll love me outside the Church But it is about timing And I guess about talking And I guess about symbols and how they hurt You don’t know I love you I can tell you don't feel it And then when you do feel it It's a surprise I mean all day I’m reaching All day long I’ve been reaching And at night can I hold you? and look in your eyes?
11.
I’m not easy to live near Not easy to live in Hey baby, you’re not going to lose next to me But you’re sure not gonna win What do you call it? 7th inning? What number in the game? You think I don’t know you, do I know your name I’ve got things to say, but I don’t say em I have words to tell but I keep em straight down in body Here I go singing them again some people think I know what I’m doing, think again I’m living in a dream, looking out my eyeballs at a screen I touch you and make you want to scream I do not dread the day in the morning I wake up as naive as when I’m born I do not dread the night in the evening I dread the life I live when I’m alone You think that you might be my weakness Oh I can tell you you’re not that, my weakness is me I take you in to siphon out the silence I feel free, I’m not free I’m not saying that it’s harder or it’s easy Only saying that from this side it gets sad They tell me that no man can be an island By that logic, do you think you are my man By that logic, can you really be my man? Thanks, come again when you think you’ll hold me Thanks, come again when your love is mine it isn’t hard, it isn’t easy, it’s being human, Part of being human’s thinking that you’re doing it the first time You’re not doing it the first time Give a big sigh little girl, you don’t want to be here anymore Give a big cry little girl you don’t have to if you don’t want to You’ve got teeth in your mouth, You’ve got blood in your eyes You’re not a bit of bread dough But you might rise You’re not a little bird in the sky But you might rise You’re not a bit of bread dough But you might rise You’re not a baby bird But you might rise Nobody’s planting you down in the ground Big surprise You’re not a little seed, growing up, no But you might rise

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released October 23, 2020

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Emily Brown Oakland, California

Emily Brown is a Californian songwriter and poet. Her impressive vocal range, wandering melodies, and conversational lyrical style have drawn frequent comparisons to Joni Mitchell, Judee Sill, and Fiona Apple.

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